Understanding the Changes in Intimacy
My girlfriend and I have been together for five years. Initially, our relationship was very passionate, with frequent intimacy. I was 60 and she was 51 at the time. After the first year, we settled into a routine of being intimate two or three times a week, and she often experienced multiple orgasms.
The pandemic brought stress, which affected our intimacy. She began experiencing hot flashes and said she felt different “down there.” Although she had a hysterectomy years ago, her ovaries remain. I noticed that if I masturbated, she would occasionally become interested and join in for intercourse.
Current Situation
Our relationship became strained, and we eventually stopped being intimate. She consulted her doctor about hot flashes, but nothing else. We’ve had serious discussions and are getting along better now. She says she’s happy, and we snuggle in bed, but she still rejects my advances. Sometimes, I find her using a vibrator, and when I try to join, she says, “I’m just doing this so I can go to sleep,” indicating no interest in further interaction.
I’ve held onto hope, especially as her daughter, who sees me as a stepdad, is heading to college this fall.
Addressing the Intimacy Issue
Your frustrations are valid. Wanting to be intimate with your girlfriend is normal. However, her lack of desire, likely due to stress and physical changes, is also understandable. You’re in a situation where neither of you is at fault, yet your desires are misaligned.
Consider reading “Come Together: The Science (and Art!) of Creating Lasting Sexual Connections” by Emily Nagoski, Ph. D. The book discusses rekindling intimacy in long-term relationships.
Nagoski explains that a lack of interest in sex often results from stress or anxiety, not a lack of stimuli. External pressures can block the desire for intimacy. Introducing new things like kink or sex toys might not be effective. Instead, identify and alleviate the stressors impacting her libido.
Strategies for Reconnecting
Ask your girlfriend if there’s anything you can do to make her life easier. Whether it’s cooking dinner or running errands, reducing her stress might help. Consider offering a massage or arranging a professional one if she feels sore.
Focusing on bonding activities could also help. Engage in things that foster a deeper connection, like cooking together, going for walks, or sharing thoughts and feelings. Emotional connection throughout the day is essential for intimacy at night.
Also, explore alternative forms of intimacy, such as cuddling, kissing, or giving each other massages. These can maintain your connection and create a relaxed atmosphere.
Seeking Professional Help
If these steps don’t help, consider seeing a couple’s sex therapist. Couples counseling can uncover issues that don’t surface in private discussions. A professional can help your girlfriend express what’s affecting her desire for intimacy.
Ultimately, You don’t want to live without sex, but splitting up over this issue seems unfortunate, especially when everything else is going well. Hopefully, with patience and collaboration, you both can reconnect sexually.