Understanding Enthusiastic Consent
The concept of consent often starts with the simple idea of “no means no” and “yes means yes.” However, some people mistakenly believe that being in a long-term relationship grants ongoing access to their partner’s body. Regardless of how long you’ve been together, enthusiastic consent remains crucial at all times.
Couples who practice asking for enthusiastic consent aim for an eager and willing participation in sexual activities, not just a passive absence of refusal. De-Andrea Blaylock-Solar, LCSW, CST, a sexuality and relationship therapist, notes that this dynamic can enhance relationships by improving communication, building anticipation, and fostering a sense of connected intimacy.
The Role of Enthusiastic Consent in Relationships
Think of enthusiastic consent as emotional foreplay. It is an active, ongoing process, not one of compliance or hesitation. Gabby Jimmerson, an AASECT-Certified Sex Therapist & Relationship Expert, emphasizes the importance of seeking energy and engagement, both verbally and nonverbally, to ensure both partners are truly present.
This approach is particularly vital in long-term relationships, where routines can lead to assumptions. Just because something was okay before doesn’t mean it’s okay now. “Familiarity doesn’t replace the need for clarity,” Blaylock-Solar explains. Consent is fluid and can change at any moment.
Moving Beyond Basic Consent
Enthusiastic consent is more than a simple “Do you want to have sex?” followed by a “Yes.” It involves a dynamic and willing “yes,” free from pressure or hesitation. Examples of enthusiastic consent include:
- “I really want you tonight.”
- “I want to try this, are you into it too?”
Body language can also convey consent-such as leaning in, reciprocal touch, and eye contact-but should be paired with verbal confirmations. Jimmerson warns that nonverbal cues alone can be misleading due to factors like trauma or anxiety.
Enhancing Intimacy Through Consent
If asking for consent seems awkward, you’re not alone. However, therapists suggest that checking in can enhance intimate moments. Confidently asking questions like “How does this feel?” or “Is this working for you?” can be incredibly attractive, as it shows attentiveness and care.
Instead of viewing check-ins as interruptions, consider them forms of flirtation. Jimmerson advises keeping it playful with prompts like:
- “Would you like it if I…?”
These interactions express desire and build trust. If the mood changes unexpectedly, gentle questions such as “Are you still good?” or “Still with me?” provide room for adjustment without pressure. Over time, these practices help partners feel more relaxed and open to exploring intimacy together.
Building Trust and Emotional Safety
Regular practice of enthusiastic consent leads to deeper emotional safety, stronger trust, and enhanced sexual satisfaction. As partners freely express their desires and boundaries, pressure diminishes and pleasure increases. “People stop guessing, stop performing, and start communicating,” Blaylock-Solar says, resulting in a more confident and enjoyable sexual relationship.
Recognize that sometimes your partner might not be in the mood, which is normal. “No” simply means “not right now.” Showing emotional maturity in response, such as saying:
- “That’s okay, thanks for telling me.”
- “I’m glad you said what you’re feeling.”
These responses foster honesty and safety, avoiding guilt-tripping or pressure, which can harm intimacy over time. If a pattern of disinterest arises, it might be beneficial to address emotional needs or stressors, potentially with the guidance of a therapist.
Ultimately, Enthusiastic consent should feel natural and rooted in emotional awareness, strengthening the bond between partners and reducing misunderstandings. Who wouldn’t want to embrace such a positive change?