When Brandy Engler, Ph. D., embarked on her career as a sex therapist, she initially aimed to support women who had lost their sexual desire. Surprisingly, it was men who began reaching out to her.
Engler discovered that men possess a rich internal world of emotions and experiences related to sex. However, since society doesn’t often encourage men to express their feelings openly, sex becomes their substitute for emotional expression.
Understanding the Dynamics of Fading Passion
Engler’s book, The Men on My Couch, offers insightful case studies from her practice. One notable case involved Alex, a research scientist, and Kasha, a Brazilian woman with exotic allure. The relationship began with passion, sparked by the security Alex provided, but after moving in together, intimacy turned routine. Kasha swapped her lingerie for boxers and T-shirts and began seeing a Russian man she described as assertive.
The Sexual Intimacy Paradox
Living together often transforms a lover into more of a roommate, stripping away mystery and allure. Engler explains that as the emotional bond strengthens, sexual desire can diminish. The solution lies in maintaining a balance between friendship and attraction.
“You need to avoid seeing her solely as your best friend and instead, maintain a sexual dynamic,” Engler advises. This might seem contrary to what women seek, but in a committed relationship, they desire to be seen with a passionate gaze.
Spicing Up the Everyday
Transform mundane activities into opportunities for flirtation. Engler suggests considering what you might do if she’s simply standing at the sink. It doesn’t always have to lead to sex; sometimes, erotic words or playful flirting are enough to reignite that initial spark.
Avoiding Routine and Focusing on Quality
Over-initiating can lead to routine and lackluster encounters. Instead, giving her space to desire intimacy can lead to more passionate experiences.
“Release the expectation that a loving couple must have daily sex,” Engler states. “Focus on quality over quantity.”
If it seems like she’s not interested, be open about it. Ask her directly, “What would really get you in the mood?” This openness can be a relief for her and encourages her to own her desires, setting the tone for future encounters.