I’m a married bisexual man engaged in a hierarchical polyamorous relationship for quite some time. Four years ago, I connected with someone significantly younger than me, and we quickly fell in love. From the outset, I was transparent about my relationship status. Though he expressed a preference for monogamy, he was willing to be with me. We shared an intense bond over three years, despite not meeting frequently, maintaining daily communication.
In January, I planned a romantic getaway for our four-year anniversary. He unexpectedly left early due to work and then distanced himself, eventually cutting off all contact. This was surprising, considering he had recently expressed his love and desire to deepen our relationship.
After five months of silence, he messaged me on Instagram with a provocative photo, expressing a desire to be intimate again. When I asked for a conversation to understand his absence, he refused and instead stated, “I’ve decided I can’t pursue a relationship or FwB with you. I always end up wanting more. It’s too risky for me. I need this to be casual.”
I was taken aback by his disregard for my feelings, which seemed immature and self-centered. I expressed my uncertainty about having a casual relationship with someone I loved and said I needed time to process. He also mentioned needing time. I’m struggling with missing him daily, yet my current relationships remain integral to my life.
Navigating the breakup of a polyamorous relationship can be as painful as a monogamous one. The misconception that poly breakups are easier due to less attachment or more support from other partners is misleading. A breakup is painful regardless of relationship structure.
You need to let him go. He consistently voiced his discomfort with being in a polyamorous relationship, particularly given the hierarchical nature and your marital status. His reluctance to be a “secondary” partner was apparent. In retrospect, it seems you both avoided defining your relationship, which may have contributed to his distress.
While it was wrong for him to ghost you instead of communicating his feelings, the age difference may have influenced his actions. For both your sakes, it’s essential to move on. Continuing to hold onto him prevents him from pursuing a fulfilling monogamous relationship. Send him a message indicating that maintaining a casual connection is too painful, and it’s best to take a break.
Maybe, with time, you could become friends, but that seems unlikely given the depth of emotions involved. It’s time to begin the healing process.