Midday lattes are under scrutiny, especially when suggested for a first date. Personally, I favor meeting for coffee initially. It offers a relaxed atmosphere, perfect for connecting with someone new without committing your valuable weekend evenings. A coffee date is an effective way to determine if someone is worth a full evening. However, on TikTok, this common dating idea has become contentious, with claims that it’s a low-effort, disrespectful gesture-a red flag from the start. These dramatic interpretations stem from one woman’s story.
Recently, a TikTok user named “Ashlei With An I” shared her disdain for coffee dates, stating, “I’m not going to argue with you about how you like to date…but coffee is never going to be an option for me.” Commenters agreed, labeling these meet-ups as “low effort.” One noted, “Know your worth and stand on it. Don’t let these pick mes and broke men make you feel bad for it. I would’ve turned it down too. Asking someone on a coffee date is low effort and insulting.”
I respect Ashlei’s stance that her opinion is personal and not universal. I also dismiss the misogynistic comments in her feed suggesting she should be grateful for any date offer. However, I stand by coffee dates. As Ashlei mentioned, they’re low-effort and cost-effective, but that’s their charm. Critics argue coffee dates signal indifference towards the connection. Another argument on TikTok deems them too inexpensive, suggesting a man unwilling to spend heavily initially isn’t truly invested.
Yet, spending on lavish dates doesn’t guarantee good intentions. This reasoning fails to prioritize your time and comfort. Why dedicate an entire evening to someone you barely know? Plus, a midday meeting eliminates post-date pressures. If there’s no chemistry, there’s no expectation of further intimacy in the afternoon, unlike navigating a late-night exit.
Professional matchmaker April Davis suggests a mindset shift regarding coffee dates. “Fancy dinners and Instagram-worthy settings don’t ensure a genuine connection. In fact, They can obscure it,” she explains. “On a coffee date, there are fewer distractions, allowing you to see if a real connection exists. They’re also efficient! A quick 30-minute meet-up saves both parties time if there’s no chemistry.”
Dating expert Dr. Wendy Walsh acknowledges why some might be offended by coffee date proposals. “Many women appreciate a man making sacrifices for them,” she says. “Spending on an official date can feel like courting, an age-old strategy that may not fit today when many women out-earn men.”
Still, she views coffee dates as an excellent precursor to a second evening date. If you’re not keen on the idea, Wendy suggests using a “communication sandwich.” “Start with positivity, insert the difficult message, and end with positivity,” Wendy advises. “You might say: ‘That sounds great, but I’m not ready to try that yet. How about we (add event idea)? No matter where we go, it’ll be fun to hang with you.'”
Ultimately, There’s no right way to date; you should do what feels most comfortable. If that includes meeting for a matcha latte, it doesn’t mean you lack self-respect. As April says, “Coffee dates don’t mean you accept the bare minimum. They mean, ‘I value my time, but I also value meeting you.'”